livin'

still pondering...

when i say the word "intimacy", I wonder what most people would say it means. we always talk about intimacy with God and I guess I've never quite understood exactly what that meant, other than being very close to Him. in the context of a marriage we often say that intimacy means being "one" with the other person. or physcially intimate. but i think intimacy goes way beyond physically naked in front of your spouse or God. i think it's standing completely bare, or to be completely known by someone else and sill loved and accepted, even in your flaws. it's hard for us to grasp that we have the freedom to be that known to God and come away unscathed. except that he already knows us.... it's not like any of our shortcomings or flaws are any shock to Him. for many of us, it's simply much more comfortable to remain hidden, it's also much more safe. you can't really be hurt if you can't be seen. and so we go on dying to be known and accepted for who we really are beneath all our skin, but terrified out of our wits to let ourselves be known. not all of us, i'm sure some of us have figure this out and learned the freedom in being honest.....but some of us are paralyzed by the fear of being rejected. sad.

i was thinking about a friend the other week and i had this picture in my mind of myself standing before God, and I began to strip down. It was terribly alkward, but I kept stripping away the layers....until I was completely uncovered. So there I am, completely unhidden before God and now I'm surrounded by the layers of filth, deceit, lies, and all my shame. It's there, at my feet in a circle around me. NOW I HAVE A CHOICE: I either stand in the middle of all of it and eventually sit down which would lead to me picking through the layers...remembering....and maybe even putting some back on because they seem so "comfortable" or perhaps simply familiar.

Isn't this what we all do? I mean, we get to this point where we're totally seen by God, but then we fear what He'll do with us next, so we start putting all the crap back on and we never actually find wholeness. We never walk away from what He's saved us from! We just parade around in circles, torturing ourselves and wondering how to get free.

WALK! We've left it at His feet, now WALK AWAY....leave it with Him. Isn't this what He died for? I'm pretty sure He didn't die to watch us meander through our muck endlessly, all the while feeling horrible about ourselves.

I guess, in thinking of my friend, I've seen so many people, including myself....talk and talk and talk and talk about our struggles or wanting to know God more, but then I see us keep flapping our gums with our feet firmly planted to the ground. We won't budge, we'll just talk about how we want to move forward.

I want to move forward...even if I don't know what that looks like, or I don't know in what direction. Forward is best, backwards just leads to depressing circles and hopelessness. And I know my God is much bigger than that.....i want to be known by Him, I want intimacy like this.

posted by Amanda @ 7:07 PM